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Surviving Rape in Iran's Prisons

41. When nobody came that night to open the door, I thought everybody had given up and fallen asleep. That night, I realized why the cells were so dirty. They didn’t allow prisoners to use the restroom.

42. I usually knew when the guards changed shifts at midnight. But that night, I didn’t hear any footsteps outside. I wondered why the guards did not change shifts. Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind the door to my room that seemed sealed permanently. Somebody knocked on the door.

43. I kept silent. I realized the footsteps were different from the sounds I used to hear when guards changed shifts. They were coming closer to my room. I thought they had come to take me for an interview, the restroom or questioning. I was thinking about these things when the small outlet on the door opened.

44. He had an ugly look. Very ugly. He had a beard. He stared at me. I thought he was about to attack me. I got scared and went back and hid myself in the corner of my cell. His looks troubled me. His horrifying stares terribly terrified me. I pulled my scarf down and covered my son who was in my arms.

45. He signaled me to come to him. I said, “No.” Then, he went out towards the cells where interrogators questioned us. After a while, he came back with keys; opened the door very softly, entered the room and came toward me. He threatened me to keep silent; otherwise he would suffocate me.

46. Then he said that he wanted to express his interest in me. He said that he loved me and liked me very much. He said that he had been looking at me for some time and following me everywhere I walked.

47. I was about to tell him “you dirty bastard,” when he put his hand over my mouth. I felt choked. He removed his hand from my nose to let me take a breath. He said that he knew that they didn’t give milk to my son. He started speaking softly. He said that if I kept silent, he would remove his hand from my mouth. I nodded in consent. He let me go, took a few steps and returned, and said that he knew for some time that I was in trouble and mistreated by them. He said that he was not like them. He said that he would help me, bring milk, and a pad for my son. He promised to bring clothes for my son, provided I did not say no to his dirty desire and let him do me.

48. I guess he might have been my interrogator. I had not seen him before. I was blindfolded during interrogation. His voice seemed familiar. He said that I should not ask him how he knew me but he always looked at me. He spoke in Turkish with me. It is difficult for me to reconstruct his conversation in Persian now.

49. I said, “I’ll never allow you to do such a thing with me.” I said that I would rather die under torture than allow him to rape me. I told him that I would die and what difference would it make if I died a day earlier. I would never degrade myself. He pleaded again and asked me to let him do it. I was mentally and physically broken then. I could not think well. My brain was not working well. I never consented. I didn’t want to.

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Tagged as:

Imprisonment, Sexual Violence, Torture, Inhuman and Degrading Treatment, Punishment